Tips for Valley Commuters

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX :
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name. It is "FEE-NICKS."

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East-Valley-SUV-driving-cell-phone-talking moms will ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Never. Seriously, it's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night for your entertainment and to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners... and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and "the 10" are all the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain Freeway. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. I-17 is also called The Black Canyon Freeway as well as The Veterans Memorial Highway. And if all that isn't enough to remember, SR 51 has recently been renamed the Piestewa Freeway because Squaw Peak Parkway was too easy to pronounce. SR 101 is also the Pima Freeway except west of I-17, which (you will remember) is also The Black Canyon Freeway, and The Veterans Memorial Highway. Lastly, Thunderbird Road becomes Cactus Road but Cactus Road doesn't become Thunderbird Road because it dead ends at a mountain.

10. If someone actually has his turn signal on, wave him to the shoulder immediately to let him know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER try to outmaneuver BMW drivers. They go to a special school. They WILL always win.